Taylor Swift’s latest album The Tortured Poets Department dropped on April 19, where Swift shares some of her career’s most raw, poetic lyrics. In what seems to be her most Taylor-like album to date, Swift hinted at the details of her six-year-long relationship with her now ex-boyfriend Joe Alwyn, her ten-year fling with the 1975 singer Matty Healy, and her current relationship with Chiefs player Travis Kelce. 

The mad woman had another trick up her sleeve with the release of the album: an additional 15 songs. With 31 new songs, it’s hard to summarize them all; so we are handing out superlatives to our 13 standouts. 

Happiest song – So High School

 “Truth, dare, spin bottles/ You know how to ball, I know Aristotle”

Reminiscent of her Debut and Fearless eras, Swift describes her relationship as “So High School.” Youthful, teenage memories fill the song. Swift gets intimate into the song, describing lustful moments with her lover, and the deep infatuation she feels. It reminds us of the rush of a high school first love.

Song of the summer – Florida!!!

“I need to forget so take me to Florida/ I got some regrets I’ll bury them, in Florida.” 

This summery song reflects the getaway Swift goes to forget the chaos of her life back home. Besides, what’s more Summer song worthy than a song dedicated to the tropical oasis of The Sunny State? We can’t wait to be in our summer-night-car-ride-blasting-this-song-full-volume era!

Saddest song – So Long London

“For so long, London/ Had a good run/ A moment of warm sun/ But I’m not the one”

Piggy-backing off the hit Lover album’s “London Boy” where our blondie expresses a deep love for her lover from London, So Long London reflects a sad close to the chapter of loving London. So long London, Hello Kansas City!

Most poetic – My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys

“The sickest army doll/ Purchased at the mall/ Rivulets descend my plastic smile/ But you should’ve seen him when he first got me/ My boy only breaks his favorite toys”

We love this metaphor as much as we loved playing with a new Barbie doll as kids. 

Most scandalous – Guilty as Sin?

“Without ever touching his skin/ How can I be guilty as sin?”

Singer-songwriter or fanfiction connoisseur?! We see you, Taylor. We daydream about potential love interests too. Is it delusional? Maybe… But this song’s degree of imagination made us feel very seen in our idealistic endeavors!

Class Clown – I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)

“I can fix him, no, really I can (no, really I can)/ Whoa, maybe I can’t”

We’ve all been there too, Taylor. It’s almost funny.

Most likely to have a music video – But Daddy I love him 

“Now I’m running with my dress unbuttoned/ Screaming, But Daddy I love him!”

A classic Romeo and Juliet tale, with Taylor as our leading lady. Our favorite lyricist is playing into the forbidden love trope of our dreams. 

Cringiest lyrics – The Alchemy

“Cheers chanted, cause they said/ There was no chance, trying to be the greatest in the league/ Where’s the trophy?/ He just comes running over to me.”

It’s been highly contested online what Swift’s cringiest lyric of the album is. Hint: It’s not about Charlie Puth, though he definitely has an appropriate amount of fame. And it’s not about Grand Theft Auto either. Though the rhythm of The Alchemy is addicting, some of the lyrics were reminiscent of the “Trav-y Baby” AI covers that circulated TikTok. 

Most old Taylor – thanK you aIMee

“And one day, your kid comes home singing/ A song that only us two is gonna know is about you”

If you told us this track was a Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) vault track, we’d believe you. The not-so-subtle diss of Kim Kardashian is our closure. We can’t wait to watch North West make a get-ready with me TikTok to this. 

Most cathartic – Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me

“I was tame, I was gentle til the circus life made me mean/ ‘Don’t you worry folks we took out all her teeth’/ Who’s afraid of a little old me?/ You should be”

Nothing beats the lyrics of a mad woman. 

Most “she’s so me” lyrics – I Can Do It With A Broken Heart

“I cry a lot but I am so productive/ It’s an art”

A month into the Eras Tour, news broke of the end of Swift and her long-time boyfriend’s relationship. While Swift was very private about the nature of the breakup, this song shares the truth behind the tour at the time: Swift was miserable. In the background, listeners can hear a muffled “one two three” that mocks Swift’s earpiece while she’s on stage, smiling for the crowd. While the song is a classic Glitter Gel Pen song, the lyrics are devastating. Especially close to finals week stress, the lyrics are more than relatable. 

Best revenge song – imgonnagetyouback

“Told my friends, ‘I hate you but I love you just the same’/ Pick your poison, babe/ I’m poison either way”

Some classic T-Swift wordplay. This one is for all the Before He Cheats girls. 

Best bridge – The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

“Were you writin’ a book? Were you a sleeper cell spy?/ In fifty years, will all this be declassified?”

“I would’ve died for your sins, instead, I just died inside/ And you deserve prison, but you won’t get time”

That’s right, this bridge is so good we couldn’t choose just one set of lyrics. Because one gut-wrenching sentence just simply wasn’t enough. Hope you’re doing ok after she released this, because we certainly aren’t!

We are very Down Bad for this album. We aren’t crying at the gym, but we certainly felt Fresh Out the Slammer after Taylor Swift released this album. Seriously, this album is Guilty as Sin for being this good.