THIS ARTICLE IS A WORK OF SATIRE. MUCH OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION HAS BEEN FABRICATED FOR SATIRICAL PURPOSES AND IS COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.
As the sun sets on Niles North, casting long shadows of acceptance over its landscapes, there looms in the future a peculiar sight: the infamous Hate Cabin. This distinct abode will serve as the school’s bizarre structure, a place where hate will be stored, awaiting release at any moment.
Niles North faculty announced on Wednesday the building of a new addition to school grounds: a rickety cabin, across the street from the school, specifically to provide free housing for students who practice bigotry.
“We feel this is in line with the principles of our school,” one staff member said. “Hate truly has no home here.” This source then pointed to where the cabin will be built and continued, “It lives over there.”
The proposed Hate Cabin would be constructed of wooden planks, each of which is exactly 63 percent rotted through (since 63 percent is considered the best rotted-to-intact ratio for peak ricketiness). It will be one story tall, and will use as its furniture any couches and chairs which the main Niles North building discards. A hand-painted sign for nailing over the door has been proposed, and suggestions are currently being taken for something nicely offensive that could be written on it.
Now we get to focus on our art, our craft of tearing people apart with our words, and ain’t nobody gonna get in our way. Not gonna lie, I thought my transphobia skills were pretty mid, but with my own shack to go and practice in, bro, I’m gonna be the GOAT.
— Pearson Tonarl, junior
“I’m just happy that North is finally letting us cook, letting us lock in and just be sigma males, you feel me?” junior Pearson Tonarl, a planned future resident of the shack said. “Now we get to focus on our art, our craft of tearing people apart with our words, and ain’t nobody gonna get in our way. Not gonna lie, I thought my transphobia skills were pretty mid, but with my own shack to go and practice in, bro, I’m gonna be the GOAT.”
In contrast to Tonarl’s comments regarding “sigma males”, female students will be able to take up residence in the Hate Cabin, in addition to male ones. Nor will students be the sole denizens of the Hate Cabin: the school is furnishing a separate section for adults as well.
In the coming days, as you sashay through the school’s corridors of inclusivity, don’t forget to tip your hat to the Hate Cabin, because even in our happy hamlet, there’s always that one grumpy house on the block. It’s a subtle reminder that in life’s tapestry, we encounter moments that challenge our harmony. And who knows, if all goes well, perhaps there’ll be different versions of the Hate Cabin popping up in unexpected places, like the locker rooms or the school cafeteria.
