THIS ARTICLE IS A WORK OF SATIRE. MUCH OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION HAS BEEN FABRICATED FOR SATIRICAL PURPOSES AND IS COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.
Spotify announced in a recent platform advertisement the implementation of a new, dramatic change to their advertising policy. To promote Spotify Premium and other advertisers, listeners using the platform for free will be forced to listen to unskippable, irritating sounds like nails on a chalkboard and high pitched squealing.
We’re killing two birds with one stone. Many of our listeners will hate these sounds so much that they’ll start appreciating the music they listen to even more, then they’ll want to buy Premium! Crayola has already agreed to promote their famous crayon packs using our ‘Chalkboard-Fork’ advertisement. Our users wanted more diversity, more quality, and more catered ads that fit their needs and get them interested in buying our advertisers’ products. This is how we’ll provide it! You will never find ads like this on any platform but Spotify.” — Spotify Executive
This is nothing new to Spotify, as the platform already implemented several restrictions on free listeners. This decision to play these vexatious sounds in between songs is seen as a solution to massive online complaints regarding the repetitiveness and lack of interesting content in their ads. Spotify is also partnering up with brands and companies, old and new, to promote their products using these cacophonous ads. According to the aforementioned announcement, every product purchased through these ads will earn every free listener an adless 24 hours or a song of their choosing that will remain permanently adless.
Those who find these ads applicable to themselves find this decision to be catering and revolutionary, including those in the community of Skokie.
“I don’t use Spotify all that much, but those chalkboard ads really get me interested in buying more crayons,” a Niles North teacher said. “I’ve never seen an ad like that, but it really, really works. It’s funny too; I think my iPhone alarm is going off every time my song ends, but it’s just another ad!”
Others are not so enthusiastic about these ads, criticizing them and Spotify for this uniquely provoking approach to advertising.
“I’ve used Spotify, free, for years [and] I can’t believe what I’m hearing,” an anonymous student said. “I already appreciate my music; I don’t need Spotify telling me how much more I would appreciate it if I had to listen to screaming babies and fire alarms for 30 seconds! I can’t stop buying silverware and diapers, I just want these ads to stop!
While this decision may go against Spotify’s advertising policies, it’s no secret how profitable Spotify has been for the past several years. Another Spotify executive even suggested that, in future, users may have to start paying to hear these ads in the first place. Perhaps these ads could be used to promote popular contemporary artists. Regardless, this could garner even more profits for both Spotify and its advertisers for years to come.
