THIS ARTICLE IS A WORK OF SATIRE. MUCH OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION HAS BEEN FABRICATED FOR SATIRICAL PURPOSES AND IS COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.

After days of speculation regarding her whereabouts, Catherine, Princess of Wales (“Kate Middleton”) has been discovered to be a victim of kidnapping, with her captor being none other than Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump.

The current shoo-in for the Republican presidential nomination declared his culpability at a campaign rally on March 16. 

“I’m gonna tell you something,” Trump told the crowd. “It’s very secret and very important and you can’t tell anyone, really, I mean anyone, but I trust you because you’re all such good American people.” 

After making the entire crowd collectively pinky-swear not to repeat what he was about to reveal, Trump said the following: “You know they can’t find Kate Middleton these days, nobody knows where she is? That was me. I got a bunch of these guys in black combat suits, with stockings over their heads, and they looked so cool, you should have seen them, just the greatest professionals, really incredible, you know I always have the best people on my team, nobody has better people than me…” 

Trump continued in this vein for about ten minutes, then continued: “So I got these guys and they drove up to Sandringham, in a big black van, and while she was coming out of church they all ran out and grabbed her, and then they drove away. The van made this big screeching noise when they drove away. It was so cool. You should have been there.” 

According to investigators, Trump was referring to Middleton’s last public appearance, when she was seen leaving church at the Royal Family’s private residence, Sandringham, on Dec. 25, 2023. Investigators noted the considerable difficulty they faced in determining that the abduction occurred at Sandringham, given how egregiously Trump mispronounced the name. 

Trump proceeded to outline his motives for the kidnapping: “You know they’re putting me on trial, all over this country, they’re trying to put me on trial. And it’s going just horribly for them, and it’s going perfectly for me, my popularity is three times what it was when I started running, which was huge, huge popularity, huge ratings. Nobody’s more popular than Trump, in terms of bigly. And so I said to my team, I said, ‘Wouldn’t it be great if I had another trial going on, so that way even more people would love me?’ So we talked it over and I said, ‘Well, why don’t we just grab Kate Middleton, that’ll work, people’ll be all over it.’ And I was right, I’m always right, I’m a very stable genius.”

Most likely, Trump will be tried for this kidnapping, but he assumes no negative outcome will result. Such a trial would mark Trump’s fifth criminal case so far. Should he win re-election, some have predicted that Trump will make a change to the layout of the White House: he will add a personal presidential courtroom and cycle through the judges presiding over his various trials, to make the logistics of getting to each one easier.