Hey, babe. I don’t really know who you are, but you keep calling me, mailing me and emailing me every two hours. I get that you want me. I’m absolutely flattered. However, you may have noticed that I have not yet reciprocated with the same fervor. Now don’t get me wrong, I really do appreciate your interest. The thing that I do not appreciate is when I’m blissfully drifting into the best nap of my life and I’m rudely awakened by a phone call from you. Later, when I check my email, I find four new messages from you, describing the wonders of the cornfields that you reside in. I finally think it’s over—until I get another surprise from you a week later. You send me a pamphlet in the mail displaying a different color person on each page, telling me not to be afraid of white people. That’s nice. Have you noticed that I LITERALLY NEVER RESPOND? I’m sure y’all are lovely people, but let’s get a couple of things straight:

1. Please take a hint. If I were interested, I would be the one contacting you every five minutes.

2. No, I do not want to be your poster child for diversity. Again, if I were interested, I would have let you know by now.

You, Random College, are too nice. You desperately fling yourself at me, telling me that you’ll do everything for me. Unfortunately, I’m the type of student that is lured in by free T-shirts, pretty pictures, fancy emblems and nice statistics—so basically, not you. No matter how much useless paper and email you send me, I’ll never want you.

The thing is, you deserve to feel wanted. You’re beautiful on the inside and out. Not to me, anyway, but I’m sure you are to someone. I wish you’d have respect for yourself. Don’t waste your time pestering little schmucks like me. You are a strong, independent institution that doesn’t need to depend on any teenage diva for your self-worth. Put down the phone and stop sending the mass emails. One day, you’ll find a student that chases you and loves you for who you are.

Seriously though, bye.

❤,

Rima Parikh

 

Can you relate? What school do you get the most mail from? Has any of this helped you find your dream school? Leave us a comment below. We love reader feedback with the same intensity that we hate college mail!