THIS ARTICLE IS A WORK OF SATIRE. MUCH OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION HAS BEEN FABRICATED FOR SATIRICAL PURPOSES AND IS COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.
Eddie “Spaghetti” Stilton, nicknamed for the fact that the amount of blood present at the scenes of his crimes is reminiscent of spaghetti sauce, was found guilty today of numerous first-degree homicides. When asked if he had any final remarks to give to the court, Stilton stated that he felt the jury was “making a big deal out of nothing” in rendering his conviction.
“I wish everybody would stop being so sensitive about things like life and death,” Stilton said. “I swear, you can’t even pull a knife on someone anymore without them getting all offended. If you so much as stab someone thirty-three times, everybody acts like you’ve killed a person.”
Stilton went on to say that his victims had been killed not by his actions, but by their own “victim mentality.” “We have so many people these days who don’t take ownership of their lives,” he said. “It’s like, yeah, I stuck a knife in your ribs, but come on, that happens to everybody. It’s part of life. If you can’t overcome a little challenge, that’s not on anyone else but you, bro. You think all those people would be dead if they’d just gritted their teeth and made the choice to keep living in spite of their fatal wounds? I don’t think they would be.”
Stilton was sentenced to life in prison without parole. Speaking to reporters as he was escorted to a police van, the killer remarked that he felt he was a victim of what he called the “woke mob.” “Everybody I know is all jittery, watching their back all the time. It’s like no one is sure if they can make a move,” Stilton said. “Everyone’s like, ‘Geez, I dunno if I can bring out this garrotte like I normally do, because if someone records me, I could get canceled.’”
“All I’ve got to say is that we need more people who know how to lighten up,” Stilton concluded as he was strapped into a straightjacket in the back of the van. “Maybe with Gen Alpha and everything coming in, things can be different. They seem like they can tell when something doesn’t have to be that big of a deal.”
A note to readers: This article has been re-classified as a “satire” after previously being marked “uncategorized.” The author of this article apologizes for the error.
