THIS ARTICLE IS A WORK OF SATIRE. MUCH OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION HAS BEEN FABRICATED FOR SATIRICAL PURPOSES AND IS COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.
President Trump today misrecalled the name of Diversey Parkway, a Chicago thoroughfare, instead calling it “Diversity Parkway” during a press conference. He immediately went on a five-minute tangent in which he demanded the name be changed. The incident occurred during a tangent the president made within a news conference regarding the phone call the President announced he would conduct on May 19 with Russian President Vladimir Putin, regarding the war in Ukraine.
“It’s a bloodbath,” Mr. Trump said of the war, “just like the bloodbath that’s being brought to our cities by millions and millions of illegal aliens, every major city in America is full of them. In Chicago, they’re sitting on the sidewalk all the way down Diversity Parkway—” At this point the President stopped for a moment, with a look in his eyes reminiscent of an old slide projector switching over. “Diversity Parkway, who the h*ll named it Diversity? We’re gonna get that changed, they’ve gotta change that name.” Turning to the assembled reporters, he seized the podium in front of him and suddenly raged, “We will not allow the woke forces of DEI to take over our street corners, including the street signs, we will not let the beautiful little green rectangles have their genitals mutilated and be taught to hate America.”
A reporter from ABC News at this point attempted to interject that the parkway in question is in fact named “Diversey,” but was interrupted by the president. “Wait a minute, wait a minute,” Trump said. “It says ‘Diversity’ right there on the sign, painted.” The president then attempted to show the reporter, from his phone, photos of a street sign bearing the name “Diversey.”
The reporter attempted to shift the conversation back to the war, of which Mr. Trump would have none. Several minutes ensued of the president speaking over the reporter as they tried, with increasing desperation, to ask a question about the press conference’s original topic. The president ultimately shut down the press conference before the ABC correspondent could finish their inquiry.
In later remarks to the press, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt said that “the president has been quite clear in his focus on bringing meritocracy back to America, and street signs are no exception.” Leavitt added that the Department of Justice would also be demanding changes to the names of Equity Avenue and Inclusion Boulevard, neither of which exist.
