THIS ARTICLE IS A WORK OF SATIRE. MUCH OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION HAS BEEN FABRICATED FOR SATIRICAL PURPOSES AND IS COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.
President Donald Trump has imposed ongoing tariffs on dozens of nations and lands, including Heard Island and the McDonald islands near Antarctica, inhabited only by penguins. In response, the bi-pedal avian leaders of these lands, King Penguin and Emperor Penguin respectively (no relation), have teamed up to meet these 10% Trump tariffs with retributive 10% tariffs of their own.
Despite opposition, Trump hopes to further enrich the American economy in part through smaller tariffs on uninhabited islands, which he has vowed to continue implementing.
From what can be understood about the aforementioned group of islands, the lands of both King and Emperor Penguin run a form of constitutional monarchy. This includes trading with foreign nations. While neither Heard Island nor the McDonald islands have a national form of currency, the penguins do trade goods among themselves, including smooth pebbles, seaweed, and other various sea-based consumables. It is the last of these items that both islands have been trading with the U.S. in exchange for regionally American fish, like salmon, bass, and trout. These fish also appear to be preferred among the waddling population.
It is also understood that, if Heard Island and the McDonald islands were to go to war with one-another, it is the hope of each respective island’s leader that they would be supported by the United States. The inhabitants of both islands hoped to win the favor of the U.S. in part through their sea-based trading. Now, with Trump’s imposed tariffs, it is expected that the penguins provide more of their local fish and krill with no added benefits from America, which both island leaders are staunchly against.
North Star News attempted to reach out to both King and Emperor Penguin to hear their thoughts directly but could not find an available translator who spoke either Heardish or McDonaldian Penguinese.
In response to criticism of these “stupid” and “problematic” tariffs, including disapproval from Republicans, Trump has doubled-down on his decision; he hopes to implement “even more, better tariffs, in fact.” While not yet confirmed or implemented, Trump has planned to tariff similar small and/or uninhabited islands, most notably about a dozen islands off of different coasts in Alaska. These include Buldir Island, Elizabeth Island, St. Matthew Island, and Chamisso Island. Trump denies making any mistakes in his aspirations to tariff these lands despite these places actually being part of Alaska, a U.S. state.
Trump has yet to respond directly to Penguinese opposition but has vowed to tariff other seabird-inhabiting islands, such as the aptly named Puffin Island. From what can be determined from recent outside interviews, the Puffin citizens of the Alaskan island highly oppose these tariffs for reasons similar to those of the Australian penguins. Once more, North Star News attempted to interview a horned puffin but could not find a translator who spoke Puffish.
