THIS ARTICLE IS A WORK OF SATIRE. MUCH OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION HAS BEEN FABRICATED FOR SATIRICAL PURPOSES AND IS COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.

To our beloved North Star readership:

You may have noticed that things have been different around North as of late. The seasons have shifted; something is wafting through the air. Heartbeats have crescendoed steadily since the month began, and thoughts have turned to the best things in our life, and the people responsible for them. The day has arrived, at last, when we all must give special attention to those we—dare I say it—love the most. 

Ourselves, that is. Happy Single People Day, everyone. 

We all know, of course, of the grand tradition of Single People Day. Every February 14th, across the country, those of us with no romantic attachments whatsoever go out of our way to honor just how much the absence of a partner means to us. Some people buy their cherished selves cards, some take them to movies or out to dinner—in my own life, myself bought me a simply lovely collection of heart-shaped chocolates. Whatever way you choose to mark the occasion, the thing that matters most is that you say, in one way or another: I’m glad I’m with you and no one else. And by “you,” I mean me. 

There are those, of course—the cynical, jaded, and forlorn—who sneer that being without someone makes a person weaker, that a lack of love can only ever end in heartbreak. Call me a romantic, my friends, but I don’t believe that for a minute. When I’m with myself, every little thing I do makes my heart skip a beat; even the things most people would find embarrassing, like that time I tripped over my shoelaces, or the fact that I drool all over my pillow when I sleep, or the honestly disturbing way I laugh, just make me fall all the more in love with me. I would even declare that myself brings out the best in me: I’m a lot calmer now, for instance, because I don’t have a partner butting in all the time and getting on my case about “missing our anniversary” or “paying back that $50 I borrowed.”

I won’t take up too much more of your time—I’m sure you all have plans for yourselves this evening—but on behalf of the entire school newspaper staff, I’d like to wish you a happy Single People Day. 

Sincerely,

Griffin

P.S. Let’s hope nobody ever makes up a holiday in honor of people who are dating. I mean, are you kidding me? Can’t they get over themselves?