THIS ARTICLE IS A WORK OF SATIRE. MUCH OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION HAS BEEN FABRICATED FOR SATIRICAL PURPOSES AND IS COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.
The so-called “hero” Spider-Man has been wreaking havoc on our local community for quite some time. But I have reason to believe the masked menace may lie a little closer to home than you might think. I believe that Spider-Man is really hiding amongst our staff here at Niles North.
If you’ve had the displeasure of seeing the web-head in person, then you’d know that he would put your life on the line for a one-liner. His tendency to use his low-brow humor as a distraction points me in the direction of some of the famously comedic teachers. After discussion with my fellow reporters, I have narrowed it down to four teachers: John Kretsos, Pankaj Sharma, James Haberl, and Jason Mormolstein.
“I could totally see Mr. Kretsos as Spider-Man,” an anonymous AP Chemistry student said. “It would explain how he seems to be everywhere, all the time.” Mr Kretsos denies such claims vehemently, but his suspicious demeanor keeps him on the list of suspects.
Mr. Sharma says he himself is a huge Spider-Man fan, so it can’t be him. While I don’t understand how anyone could be a fan of such a menace, that’s not what I’m here to question. It could be Sharma patting himself on the back, applauding the work of his double life.
Mr. Haberl protests the accusation, claiming his fear of heights would stop him from swinging from the tops of skyscrapers. While a fear of heights would prove to be a hindrance, the fact that he specified skyscrapers is odd. Perhaps a freudian slip?
And lastly, the prime suspect: Mr. Mormolstein. Mormolstein’s role as both the head of Niles North’s own newspaper and teacher of Digital Storytelling and Images of Literature would explain how he is always able to get clear pictures of Spider-Man while flying under the radar. Additionally, his unwillingness to be interviewed or speak on the subject garners more suspicion than anything. Why is he so scared? Does he have something to hide?
This is the part where you come in. If you have any evidence that points towards one of these suspects, send them to [email protected]. Anything that brings us closer to the truth is welcome.
