THIS ARTICLE IS A WORK OF SATIRE. MUCH OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION HAS BEEN FABRICATED FOR SATIRICAL PURPOSES AND IS COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.
In an effort to improve student focus and reduce excessive screen time, members of the District 219 Board of Education are to utilize a new “Lock & Key System” (LKS) as announced in a recent board meeting. Plans and implementation are expected to begin as early as the end of the current semester.
As explained in the meeting, the LKS will “provide students with a chain, lock, and key to better secure their Chromebooks and avoid excessive and inappropriate use of technology”; students would not be allowed to use their Chromebooks during class time unless absolutely necessary for the assignment. One board member noted, “quite literally, [students must] lock up their Chromebooks…and must hand in their unique key to the appropriate, overseeing staff member unless permission is otherwise granted.”
No mentions of delays in planning were stated at the board meeting. Provided supplies are to be available in the Textbook Center. Replacements for the chain, lock, and key will cost $5, $15, and $30 respectively.
“We are aware of the dangers of excessive technological use,” one board member said. “We see LKS as greatly beneficial to our students, their academics, and their mental health; with less time on screens, students will become more attentive in the classroom and more consistently follow the instructions of their educators.”
Many members of Niles North oppose this idea and outwardly criticize the board. Some consider this to be a superfluous restriction, one of several that has developed in the past year.
“[Our club] uses Discord servers to announce plans and create schedules and stuff like that,” an anonymous club leader said. “I even got sent to [my dean] for trying to use Instagram at home. They said they saw me on Gaggle. That LKS garbage is just gonna make things so much worse.”
Some teachers also oppose this plan, mainly for its general inconvenience to educators.
“My students use their Chromebooks every day,” an anonymous teacher said. “I don’t get why this needs to be done at all!”
Others do not see issues with LKS along with similar, previously implemented restrictions.
“I only use X (formerly Twitter) and Reddit,” an anonymous sophomore said. “This won’t affect me; I mean, it’s not like the board will take down more apps like Instagram.”
Many already take issue with restrictions on social media programs. It seems, if LKS is implemented, greater uproar will fester within the district community.
