THIS ARTICLE IS A WORK OF SATIRE. MUCH OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION HAS BEEN FABRICATED FOR SATIRICAL PURPOSES AND IS COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.
Hours after its announcement of a temporary bill to fund government agencies until December, Congress revealed the means by which it intends to make a more complete decision on government spending: a gigantic roulette wheel, occupying roughly one-third of the House of Representatives’ chamber floor.
“It’s no secret that our two sides of the aisle have struggled to find common ground,” House Speaker Mike Johnson said. “In the last year, that struggle has come perilously close to endangering the functioning of our government. This is simply too great a risk for us to take as leaders of the United States. We cannot gamble with the well-being of those who depend on us. I repeat: the lives and livelihoods of our constituents are not for gambling. To be absolutely clear: we members of congress just do not have the right to engage in gambling. Therefore, the federal government has striven for a creative solution.”
When asked what said solution entailed, Johnson responded, “Gambling.”
Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer elaborated on the plan. “In order to indicate how they wish to allocate money, representatives will place briefcase-sized chips, representing different dollar amounts, on colored circles with numbers on them,” Schumer said. “Representatives have the option to bet on general categories of spending—border security, education and the like, which will be denoted by slips of paper placed atop the stacks of chips—or on specific amounts or ranges of amounts within those categories. The gigantic ball will be rolled, and if the ball lands on the same number you picked, your bid for congressional spending has been accepted.”
Though the majority of members of Congress have expressed support for the budget-decision plan, there remain a few objectors. The House Freedom Caucus has already released a statement that the December game is “rigged,” while several of its members have announced their intention to stand on the steps of the Capitol while it takes place, chanting “Stop the wheel!”
