THIS ARTICLE IS A WORK OF SATIRE. MUCH OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION HAS BEEN FABRICATED FOR SATIRICAL PURPOSES AND IS COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.
District 615 school principal Joseph Gilmore announced new school rules on Sept. 19. Speaking at a special assembly before the school, Gilmore reported the school’s recently installed no-phone policy and made clear that he plans on moving forward with additional similar ideas.
“I have been very pleased with our success in installing our new phone policy,” Gilmore said. “Starting on Monday, Sept. 23, District 615 will have more new rules in place. There will be no Chromebooks allowed, as they are too distracting for students. There will also be no giggling, no passing notes, and absolutely zero smiling. Those pearly whites can be quite annoying—uh, I mean distracting—to look at.”
The assembly was paused several times, as Gilmore had to answer texts from who he explained were “very important people.”
“We’re even thinking about banning all food and drink from the school,” Gilmore concluded gleefully. His assistant quickly ran up to whisper to the principal that this would be against the law. “Stupid rules!” Gilmore muttered as he left the assembly room, slamming the door shut.
At the school board meeting following the event, students lined up en masse to address the principal directly. “What if we need to send an email to a teacher in between classes?” junior John Roe asked.
“We will learn from the past and reinstall carrier pigeons in the district,” Gilmore calmly explained.
A group of parents came as well, bringing up other issues from the school. “My children come home with loads of homework, are stressed out, and are increasingly feeling more and more depressed. How will you fix this?” one parent asked.
“My children complain every day about the school’s dirty bathrooms, the overcrowded hallways, and the poor lunchroom food. They hate the school environment. Can you please help?” another parent pleaded.
“Those are all minor issues,” Gilmore explained to the worried parents. “This, the banning of the phones and Chromebooks and sleeping in class, this is what will finally fix everything! Everything, everything, everything…”
