THIS ARTICLE IS A WORK OF SATIRE. MUCH OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION HAS BEEN FABRICATED FOR SATIRICAL PURPOSES AND IS COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.
On Sept. 9, students walked into Niles North to find the locations of “supposed bathrooms” closed to the student body, seemingly having become various types of rooms for the janitorial staff. Much of what students once called “bathrooms” have become locations with customized doors, stating that they are a “BROOM CLOSET” or “STORAGE SHED” with spray paint or permanent marker. According to Niles North staff and administration, as well as the District 219 Board of Education, Niles North never had these “rumored bathrooms” to begin with. A similar situation has transpired at Niles West with an equally eruptive response.
Supposedly, the “possibly make believe” bathrooms at Niles North had been closed for the majority of the day before being made into closets of various kinds. Students, struggling to find times when bathrooms were open, spoke out against administration, leading to the decision to simply repurpose the bathrooms into room for other purposes instead of dealing with the matter while still keeping the bathrooms open. In response to the possible disappearance of the bathrooms that may, or may not, have ever existed in the first place, the bathrooms have simply been “disappeared.”
According to many students, previous to this decision, bathrooms—especially boys bathrooms during passing periods—would often be filled with students with no intention to relieve themselves. To combat this problem, and the general overuse of bathrooms during precious class time, the school board made a decision to close many of the first floor bathroom after 8th period. Furthermore, students were encouraged to not use the bathrooms after the first 10 minutes and before the last 10 minutes of every class period (except for free periods). Now, there appears to be no option to go to the bathroom within the building whatsoever.
As a shock to many students, what they once called “staff bathrooms” have not been relabeled; the sign stating “MEN” or “WOMEN” that once stood beside these bathrooms—so the students claim—have simply been removed, leading the students to believe that those bathrooms are still in use by the Niles North staff
As the student body protests the possibly real change that may have happened, theories have arisen that the whole thing might just be one big case of the Mandela effect. Students continue to deny any claims that student bathrooms had never existed.
“I could have sworn it was right here…” another Niles North student said while looking at a suspiciously placed broom closet.
As students have spoken out about the issue, many staff members have voiced their opinions, concurring with the school board, stating that these “mythical bathrooms” have never existed. Staff have offered the student body the secondary option of simply going to the mall or using bushes outside the building. Many students refuse these options, continuing the protest of the board’s recent decision.
“Back in my day, when I went to Niles North, students just went to the mall to use the bathroom, or they stopped being wimps and used the bushes like normal people do,” one Niles North staff member said.
As students continue protesting, maybe one day the D219 Board will be able to come up with a bathroom policy that satisfies all students and limits time spent outside the classroom.
