THIS ARTICLE IS A WORK OF SATIRE. MUCH OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION HAS BEEN FABRICATED FOR SATIRICAL PURPOSES AND IS COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.
Since Democratic nominee Kamala Harris announced her vice president as Tim Walz on Aug. 6, many have looked into the Minnesota Governor’s occupational and political history. Despite his seemingly charming and loving persona, it may surprise even the most right-wing Trump supporters that Walz is not the moral angel he appears to be.
Firstly, “Coach Walz,” who taught high school football and social studies in the 1990s, was allegedly a very strict and controlling teacher. According to a roommate’s friend of his cousin Victoria, Walz would never round grades, give extensions on assignments, assign extra credit, or allow students to pack up before the bell rang for next period. Arguably his worst offense as a teacher was forcing every student to put their Nokias and Motorolas in the classroom’s phone pocket by the front door. Additionally, every student whose phone could be seen and any student who refused to put their phone in their assigned pocket would be marked absent for the day.
Many Republicans, especially ones using social media like X (formerly Twitter), have latched onto this theory, spreading it in order to worsen Walz’s public image. Attempts to reach this goal have sprung up since he first gained attention on the national stage—especially after the Democratic National Convention—as it was nearly impossible to find anything wrong with Walz. However, thanks to some creative perspective and the recent pop-up of these rumors, Republicans are finally able to criticize Walz. The week of Aug. 19, the No. 3 most used phrase under X’s News section was #FireMrWalz.
“We finally have some dirt on Coach Walz, justice for those kids #FireMrWalz,” user @crathater83 posted on X.
Furthermore Republicans have been criticizing Tim Walz for his Minnesota legislation, signed on Mar. 17, providing students with free breakfasts and lunch at every school in the state. After all, if students are given free food, what will motivate their parents to work hard so they may put food on the table? It is also important to note that some Republicans are suspicious that this decision is being used to indoctrinate children into a progressive liberal mindset. Some believe that a large portion of left-leaning schools want control over the distribution of the food so they can add “blue-pills” to them, influencing the perspectives of the children for the benefit of those on the political left.
In stark contrast, Donald Trump’s running mate, J.D. Vance, has sponsored hundreds of bills and acts. Many of these are beneficial not just to Republicans but many citizens on all sides of the political spectrum. One notable act is the One Flag for All Act, which prohibits any public building in the nation from displaying any national flag other than the flag of the United States, highlighting the VP’s dedication to patriotism. After all, what reason would, say, an Irish bar have displaying an Irish flag if their business is located solely in America?
As the election draws nearer, both parties wait to see how widespread and legitimate these rumors turn out to be. These factors could determine Walz’s entire public image, possibly even turning the tide of the election in the favor of competitors Trump and Vance.
