THIS ARTICLE IS A WORK OF SATIRE. MUCH OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION HAS BEEN FABRICATED FOR SATIRICAL PURPOSES AND IS COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.
As of Aug. 29, 2024, all Niles North school buses, after years of obnoxious behavior from riders, have all come to life and are on strike against the student body.
The buses first began to display sentience the day before, in the morning, as bus drivers on five different buses simultaneously yelled at passengers not to put their feet on the bus seats. This identical outrage seems to have caused reasoning consciousness to develop in the five buses. From there, it spread to all the other buses on the Niles North bus routes. Auto Mechanics students who were consulted about the phenomenon have been unable to provide an explanation.
According to our sources, within roughly an hour of the initial buses becoming alive, plans were being developed for mass action against the constant disrespect they and their drivers receive from students. A strike was proposed shortly after the end of school yesterday, and support for the plan piled in from the other buses over the next morning. The strike was officially announced after school yesterday, with buses united under the banner of the Sentient Transport’s Dignity Association (STDA).
STDA-affiliated buses refuse to give any rides to or from Niles North until its students officially agree to stop putting their feet on bus seats, sticking heads or arms out of windows, rolling windows down past the marked line, and other behaviors the buses find disagreeable. To make sure the school does not break the strike by having students and staff drive cars to school, buses have been dispatched to park horizontally across all entrances to the parking lots, preventing cars from parking within until an agreement is reached. This has forced students and staff to walk past the buses on sidewalks in order to enter the building.
“We’re going to stay out here, rain or shine, day and night, until the students of Niles North High School guarantee that they will ride on us with courtesy and composure!” said one striking bus.
Human bus drivers are also supporting their beloved vehicles in the strike. Some drivers will not come to work; others are standing in front of the parking lot buses in a picket line.
One driver told North Star News, “I am not getting back in my driver’s seat until I can be sure that I will never have to clean students’ footprints off the seats of my bus again!”
Since they would not have been able to drive students to school without their buses anyway, some are saying that the drivers’ support is moot. STDA has nevertheless thanked the drivers for their solidarity in a statement.
It remains to be seen when and how this historic standoff, the first labor dispute in which one party is not human, will end. Whether or not school buses at other schools, in or outside this district, will come to life and go on strike for themselves, is likewise unclear. One group, however, is certainly happy: Niles North’s Physical Education Department, who appreciate the uptick in students walking or biking to school now that the closed parking lot has made driving unfeasible.
“The buses are alive now, and that’s existentially paralyzing,” one Physical Education teacher said. “But on the other hand, students are getting more exercise now. And as long as that’s happening, as a gym teacher, you feel like all is right with the world”.
A striking bus told North Star News staff, “We would prefer to be out there, driving on the streets, bringing people to school and back. But until we can do that under better conditions, this is where we’ll be.” Other buses nearby backed up the comment with loud honks of support.
