THIS ARTICLE IS A WORK OF SATIRE. MUCH OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION HAS BEEN FABRICATED FOR SATIRICAL PURPOSES AND IS COMPLETELY FICTIONAL.

Niles North staff announced in a D219 board meeting on March 12 that many bathrooms in the school building have been reserved for students with no intention of relieving themselves. These students have been labeled “goons” by many angry students for their rowdy, disruptive behavior. In addition to this, NN plans to build more bathrooms with luxurious features for those not looking to cause a disturbance.

Since February, complaints have been rising regarding the lack of cleanliness and general crowdedness of many school bathrooms, especially during passing periods. In response to this, all multi-person bathrooms will now be securely guarded for the goons. Much of the NN board has decided to embrace these students, reserving these bathrooms for their exclusive use.

“We consider this to be in the best interest of our struggling students,” one NN staff member said. “Students who ‘hotbox’ our restrooms just need that space to let off some steam from the hard work they do in their day-to-day lives, in and outside of school. We may even begin closing bathrooms for those needing to ‘go’ earlier in the school day to incentivize a stronger work ethic. These so-called ‘goons’ just bring so much to our school as characters, figures, and scholastic representatives.”

Despite attempts from some students and even teachers to rid the bathrooms of unwanted vapers and litterbugs, the NN board exemplifies these kids as simply “just a part of Niles North’s vibrant culture.” NN has even gone as far as to ask the (now recently deleted) @northgoons Instagram account, criticizing the goons, to be taken down peacefully, only to be met with a sternly worded denial. This longevity did not last long, however; @northgoons has been deleted.

There have also been talks about removing the stalls, toilets, and/or urinals in many of these reserved bathrooms to accommodate more of these loud students. Rumors have even spread regarding the addition of speakers, beverage stations, and other entertainment equipment for the rowdy students. 

To serve the senior class, the D219 board is in discussion about constructing new, opulent bathrooms in the Skyloft for seniors only. These bathrooms will include a sauna, Japanese-style bidets, voice-activated locks, atmospheric LED lights, and even 3-ply toilet paper. These lavatories are planned to improve the moods of seniors and keep them separated from the goons to restore the community’s general faith in the decisions of the district board.

When questioned about Juniors’ and underclassmen’s access to usable bathrooms, one D219 board member simply mentioned bathrooms outside the building.

“There are plenty of bathrooms for students to use at the Shell gas station and Old Orchard mall across the street; those are always available,” the board member said. “If students really need to go, why don’t they just take that short walk and eliminate the problem?”